When I first met C. she was quite, defensive, and not necessarily trustworthy of me. Fair enough, I thought.
In three short weeks I somehow learned a lot: from Susanna’s direct and concrete feedback (I now know why ‘just’ is a shoddy word and how to act fierce even when I’m not), Shazea’s sensitive observations (we often lurk around, watching each other in action), from C. – who is very open about what she likes and dislikes, and from experience. I listen to my first conversation with C, then the second…then the last, as I’m putting her words in her book, and it’s only when I’m exposed to our entire relationship that I realise how much our conversations have changed. When we started out C kept returning to a single phrase; last time we talked she explained in detail what it feels like to lose your bearings.
I’m not giving myself credit here – it all goes to the process; its elements and the focus it takes over results. Knowing that spending time with C. and J. and writing their words down takes pole position over the object delivered at the end is what allows for many of the frustrations to disperse, for tensions to relax, for words to be shared. (A sidenote. Now that the books are almost ready to go I see it clearly laid out: the phrase C repeated so many times is just as relevant to how she feels as the details of our last conversation.)
I haven’t been reminded of the value of the process in a while. Like most other artists I know, I spend way too much time administrating my practice, so much so that by the time I get to practicing the practice I sometimes find myself too annoyed by emails, twitter accounts and forms to engage in anything remotely creative. It’s been particularly admin-heavy as of late; in the world of ‘creative industries’ this includes proving the value of your results over and over and over again. I may have temporarily lost the joy of making, of the process.
Then I took my time going over C.’s and J.’s words, I listened to the tapes, entangled things I missed in the moment; I saw how much was built up in three short weeks, because the process was allowed priority and I remembered how much I looked forward to going to see them every week, because I enjoyed the process.
Then I logged out of my emails in an act of silent rebellion.
(and I made plans to do more for my process.)
Bojana Jankovic